May Madness 五月病

工作的关系，第一次接触这个something new to me 的词，其实觉得好笑。这个词是一个促销活动的名称，当时的想法是也许May，假期过了，储蓄消耗不少，所以就Mad就upset，大概如此，公司就有这么一个促销去提升销量吧！

这不能说那时候的想法是错，那样的一个分析其实也还蛮accurate的。大概一、两个礼拜前吧，就从网络看到一篇关于“May Madness”，中文标签为“五月病”的文章，那时我就更确定自己的想法了。

“五月病”的症状和我之前的瞎猜几乎相同，就是来到中旬的“搏杀期”，人们的压力就会因此提升许多，心情起伏大，容易暴躁，郁郁寡欢什么的。在下其实就是病患，记得在往年的五、六月，整个人会莫名忧郁起来，it was actually for nothing, but just something beyond control。

生活自然而然就受到影响啦！又是生病、阴天、消极、忧郁的季节，害得生活节奏乱了，思绪也乱了，消费乱了，什么也都乱了。看来，这个“五月病”害我变成“双失”，失去了钱，也失去了生活。

Anyway，经过非正式临床试验，身为病患的我觉得增加户外活动，例如旅游、狂上健身房、上瑜伽、发掘新兴趣等，都能够有效帮助减轻“病情”。Okay，也许没有变好，至少这些healthy的活动也不会变更差。

收拾消极的心情，我不相信有还不清的credit card statement；我不相信有肥减不掉。你可以不为美好的人生加油，也千万别让自己烂下去哦！

Keep it up !

白云

如果不把工作当成工作，它是一个训练中心，专修各自的专业、自律、沟通和开拓一些从前自己不知道的事情，那些可能是自己喜欢或不喜欢的，遇见了就是一场学习，你说那该是多么棒的想法呀。

事与愿违，很多时候我们把它看成是一场约束，紧紧的被周围环境所困惑。那些是起居饮食，也有可能被不切实际的事物迷惑。例如衣裤的崭新设计，尽管现有的已足够一辈子；高端的科技用品，即使现在所使用的还能正常操作；所谓好的品质，就算现在吃喝拉撒的也不差。

以上种种无关对错，是人的本性，那是为追求现有枷锁外的自由，这也是人的本性，向往对新事物的探索，在框框内寻找心灵小处的自由，尽情飞翔。

相信把这份心思放在自我内心新颖的寻找，所能发挥的力量可以是无穷大。你也许能去探索内心本有却被忽略的慈悲；你原本谦虚和虚心求教，而被以往出现的人或发生的事所遮蔽，得到重新的释放。

你可以联想，我感觉快乐，心花怒放，因为换了手机，我跳出了原有枷锁，奔向新的日子，开心地向周围人展示那强大的功能，如何让自己得心应手。

那也许是很炫的事情，但我相信你总有更好、更受人认同的美妙事情静待发掘。试着发掘物质外的美好，那慈悲之心。向外世人展示你的慈悲和怜悯之心，就如德兰修女般受世人敬仰；黛安娜王妃的精神和态度受世人尊敬。这无价的赞扬，似乎更具意义，内心也来得踏实。

我们也许没有他们的背景，没有他们的环境，没有他们的富裕，没有他们的外表，但有一颗心，一个脑袋，公平的去经历、探索、发掘、觉醒、还原真善美。

莫忘初衷，真心

当今的社会，存在着太多以假乱真的“真相”；也有太多真正的真相被以假的真相掩盖着。我们常常会被“真假”混淆，因为它们俩长得太像，唯一不同点是真相是永恒；假的真相会如流星般瞬间璀璨闪亮然后滑落。

在被这两者混淆之前如何去分辨真与假，最重要的是“智慧”。“智慧”的含义非常广阔和抽象，大约能被归纳的只有“真心”，也唯有“真心”才能识破“假的真相”。

最近许多朋友面对感情问题，听了所有故事后，我的结论只有一个，他们都活在“假的真相”里，或者能够被解读为他们被“假的真相”混淆了、蒙蔽了。之所以遭受所谓感情伤害或被“假的真相”混淆时，所有的共同点不真心。

一个包包的实际功能是装下双手不足以应付的物品。现今许多人在拥有包包前最先考虑的是品牌，一个迷惑大众以为那是购买一个包包的真相。看的人羡慕、妒忌、仰慕，进而判断用的人的素质、人格、品味和生活。用的人却享受那一份不是真正属于自己的虚荣和光辉。

其实，这就进入了“假的真相”的迷思当中。

一段感情若是真心，不会被一颗混淆人们真正核心价值的多少克拉钻石而影响。往往许多女士在选择下半生伴侣时的考量，可以是一部值多少钱的车子；一所市值多少钱的洋房；多少个“零”的收入；求婚的钻戒多少克拉，而忽略人本身无价之宝，也就是本来结婚的真相，对方的真心，呵护，人格，休养，品行等最核心的需求。

一棵树的装饰可以很华丽，很澎湃，但是树的最根本需求是“水”，而不是钱买来的装饰品。一部车最大的功能是方便自己，把自己安全的送到目的地，而非用钱买来的豪华和舒适就能买你安全。

一段感情需要的不是性，人自然在一天会失去性功能，难道这意味着感情的结束而不被中间的火花而感动留下？不是对方能为我做什么，而如果对方为你做了那么多，却在没办法下不能自己，再去为你做些什么下被你抛弃，或让自己奔向另一个对自己有价值评估的人，枉顾那以前对你好的人？

你能留下来，能把你留下来的真相，是自己的一颗真心，非那个名牌包，那颗钻戒，那栋房子，那部豪华车，或那些种种的“假的真相”。

莫忘初衷，只有回到真心，才能找到答案。

无题

一大清早，天色仍是昏沉，带着已分不清是身体或脑子的疲惫，不健身去到麻麻，点了一份马来西亚经典早餐，开始一个人的时间，去放任自己天马行空的想象。

车声轰轰，开始繁忙的街；周围言语，尽是自己熟悉又不懂的语言；鸟语歌声，很是清脆动听；眼前大树竖立，看着阳光慢透进来。我，是越来越喜欢一个人的时光和空间了。

我想，自己是谁？什么名字？别人认识自己吗？那我又认识自己多少？我很开心自己是有思想的人，尽管那是一堆垃圾。

向朋友问好，才发现自己很幸运，身边总是围绕很好的菩萨，把一切美好送给我。再想想他，再想想那时候的自己，是那么的死心塌地，厚颜无耻，伤心欲绝。现在是开心的，衷心祝福他健康、平安。

我鼓催一个人的妄想，但那是时间性的，看看时钟，听着听着乌鸦哑哑叫。脑子清醒了，要回去不妄想的世界里。

感恩以前和现在的一切。

Round to the corner

It has been long time I don't feel the real happy that I had in past. 

With knowing a big wrong but I am insist to like him, to contribute all that I think is worth and more than what he could return. 

I cried many times for him which never happen in my past. It's not showing psychically how much I love him. Helpless & hopeless are the only things I mad for. 

It could be a process in between us. When I realized he could spend more time, money, effort with others. And yes, this is his room since we are just nothing, Zero. 

He keen for other guy in front of me. Well, he could be just wanted to catch my attention, or the worst is this is the truth, he is that kind of person who without or within my presumption. 

Somehow we don't even understand in different languages. What in further stage ? 

We are getting less to talk. We don't even meet frequently cause it has no point for two persons without interaction. In fact, I had thousand words to speak to him, but always failed in expression. Also, he never tell me anything, it could be I am not the one who worths to talk to. 

We will never getting together. That's could be only happen in my dream. 

Least sense, the end is round to the corner, yet I love him. 

Where's the key

We use to be unhappy for something which is not in our orders. 

Everyone is selfish especially in love. 

The beloved one wish to be always being loved by someone within commit themselves to others. Whoever giving love one always look forward to someone's love with all the commitments & promises. 

Somehow it's just like a padlock. The lock cannot be opened without the key & it will be useless to a key if without the lock. 

Appreciate when meeting the padlock & key. It might be the only one you ever met in your life. 

Yourself, the most natural one

I feel so sad most of the time on how could the person I love the most upsets me all the time. I think the person is selfish. 

Look back, I also selfish on only looking forward myself to be only one to the person.

We supposed have no time to sink into sadness. We born to be finding the reason of being happy & make our lives to be more meaningful. 

I feel the relief at least there is a person I always thinking of. Sometime I feel also the happiness that I always express my real feelings to a person that I love. 

We should stop exploring or suspecting the person that you love is doing anything that might be right or wrong to you. 

Lets being yourself, the most natural one. Ain't that is whoever you are at the begin for the person you love been attracted.

It is far

The feelings with him are so interesting since from last 2 weeks. Yes, we behave beyond the border of friendship, yet physically needs instead of any mentally needs.

He mentioned several times only want me to be his friend. We physically get closer, but I think we are far and not even good as an ordinary friend.

I don't know should be happy or sad because something happened as expected.

We use to see each other every week, but we didn't meet on last week due to he was "busy" at work and need to "meet" some people instead of me.

He impatient with me anymore, and i don't feel he keens talk to me often even we still chatting everyday. Well, if "busy" is the best answer ever.

Today he is going a trip with family. I was thinking he at least to tell me what time depart or arrival, he didn't say anything while I greeted him have a fruitful trip with family.

Yesterday night he was telling me so tired and don't think can chat with me cause wanna go to bed. Yet, he online FB and don't even talk to me.

I trying my best to compromise all these. It is sensible for me to think all these as everything happened just too coincidence.

Please tell me "Duncan, I don't have interest on you anymore and I don't think we can go back to the previous." I think I will feel much more better after tears.

Last message to him

Here the last message to him ...

"Already told you I am a bullshit thinker.

I know you must be replied me after my last msg on yesterday night.

I was keep thinking what will you reply even though I switched off my phone and force myself not to check it.

You see, I can't take it at all. I don't really think can treat you as a friend. I think is time for you and me to calm down.

I don't actually like to chat over whatsapp, but I changed because of you. I don't actually go out on weekday night, but I willing go out with you. I think myself got biggest problem. Yes, nothing to do with you but me. I miss you everyday every second. You see how biggest problem is that.

So now you have nothing to worry about the Iceland trip, no need to text me everyday, no need purposely arrange your time to see me every week.

Thank you for being with me all this while. Appreciate everything you had brought to me. Indeed I had good time with you.

I am so sorry, I am selfish, I feel myself is truly tired on too focusing on you. Please allow me to escape from all these.

Take care & all the best."

I think the best way for me is to prevent him, otherwise I have no other method to stop my stupidness.

My tiny brain

I use to be a bullshit thinker. Something useless or useful always cross in my mind.

For example what if I died, will all my friends come to my funeral ? How about my family, will they cry ? And what about the decoration of the funeral ? Will my soul comes out from the body ? so I can see the whole progress.

This is funny sometime. It can be useless cause formerly we know nothing after the death. It can be a great table topic while having dinner with gang of friends.

I am bullshit thinker. The guy I love is running in my mind everyday. With mutual understanding, we will never get together. Yet I think of him with my every breath.

Always imagine how are we on bed? What will be happened for our first bedtime together ? What breakfast I gonna prepare for him after the night ? Will he dumps me after the night ? Will he makes my dream comes true to go travel with only both of us ? What if he officially introduces me to his family or what about my turn ? How are we going to grow together ? What is our future ? Will he does some romantic things ?

See, above my burbles dreams.

He is the only one I told that I like him so much, yet we can still be "friend" after the rejection he gave to me.

We argued for many rounds on our funny feelings with each other and misunderstanding in communicate within us. I can't leave him even though I decided to do so. Thanks god, he doesn't leave me too.

The days we gained, the less we can be with.

I know he will slowly calm down and transfer the attention on me to another guy who may better than me.

It will be very hurt to me I understood. But, I willing to spend my time with him, this is all because I love him.

I really love him.

Kawan

One of my good friend that we know each other since from last year.

My way on defining "good friend" is the one who listens to you when you need a pair of ear. Always encourage and feel for you no matter happiness or sadness.

Fortunately I met this good friend. Indeed he is passionate, caring & considerate. However, I figured out he is actually meticulous.

We ain't perfect, definitely I got my problem to sort out too. The issue in dealing with him is I need to explain everything, every minor details, and so on.

For example, what you had for lunch ? What is the ingredient ? What is the nutrition value ? Why you had that ? Where you had that ? How much ? Who you had lunch with ? And so on ...

Well, indeed he is kind a caring person, sometime I just don't wanna answer all these unnecessary questions as those are not helping in communication.

Friend, is to compromise and the one you can totally pissed off with by today but still talking on tomorrow.

I hope everything is long run instead of hit & run.

Everything will calms down

I know the day will comes soon. Yet, I truly feeling bad when he told me the trip will going with his friend. A guy he knows for years, with mixed signal, and most importantly who already came out.

He is nothing wrong to tell me the truth even admitted might be crushed over the trip due to only both of them.

I understood that I shouldn't behave this way since he clearly explained that WE ARE IMPOSSIBLE IN RELATIONSHIP. Yet I feeling bad that a guy I love is going not belong to me but with another one.

Everything will calms down, I foresee he is not interest on me anymore.

The feelings like a crystal you love the most and initiate to own it, but failed in certain way, it might be widely wise. But one day it is sold out when you go back and wish to look at it again.

I am selfish cause I wish he is belong to me. All these burble dreams might be gone in soon, very soon.

I wish that never know him not even his name. I rather to wait, to hope, to see him in the gym silently.

Comparison & challenge

Human use to make comparison with every individual. Parents to compare whose baby can be the first stand up, walk & run. Also they wish, hope even want or insist their dependents smarter than other.

While we growing up, we compare too who is smarter, handsome & richer.

Practically or unpractically, the comparison makes people to be stronger than what they are now. It is all about to show everyone that "I am better". In other way, it reflects how weak or how no confident you are in certain area.

Naturally, we always fight down each single part no matter with real ability or whatever despicable to achieve the goal.

To ease people life and in order not to harm everyone, I always think why don't we kick down ourselves, to break our own records, to persuade that we can be better than what we are now.

We imperfect, we strong & weak in certain parts, that's why we can't challenge and to win everyone.

Lets try to challenge yourself, definitely the stronger feelings will be figured out.

The Only Wishes

It is truly embarrassing yet has to tell the truth is I have been some time didn't update my Blog -- Duncanstyle.

Life goes on & things happened. Plenty of happiness & sadness happened in between this period. Let’s brief something importantly.

I quit my old job and joined a new job in 2 weeks ago.

Indeed a bigger company compares to previous ones, yet it is not equal to better. I would say it will be a new chapter & big challenge in my life. Why say so. There are lot of tough people to dealing with even though I find myself is quite friendly, easy going & compromise, but sadly those are limited to the people I willing to deal.

A friendly environment, positive energy, good culture are always in dream. Those are not in my eyes perhaps my expectation is in higher standard than what they can offer. Again to realize everything is beautiful with only our imagination, assumption & expectation.

Nonetheless, I strongly withdraw all my negative opinions in order to perform my best, at least fully served my probation period in 6 months as well as longer.

Other than job, I met a guy. We know each other in the gym. Reason was being we gym in early morning which is quiet hour and not many people that we can look at. Lucky and unlucky I like him, for more than just a friend.

Recall the memory, a silly me always look forward to meet him in the gym during the time we don’t contact. You know what, how wish I could know him no matter only his name. Indeed I totally into him.

One day he asked for lunch on the day after, but without promise. I was so happy yet feeling strange how come he didn't ask for my contact if any changes to be made. Well, he disappointed me.

I felt a bit bad cause it has been awhile didn't see him in the gym. Until the day we met again in the afternoon. Figured out we resign from our jobs at the same time, and will not coming gym in the early morning. Not the end of the world, happy that we exchanged contact. It might be chemical caused that we use to text each other everyday. Without commitment, we meet weekly and I always feel great to see him.

He is kind of straight looking guy. I like his personality, appearance, and the way he speaks. I like his tone, voice, sometime with cute motion. He is very fine for me. He is the one I feel can be in relationship with. No, I am not obsessing his outfit, but most importantly inner part and the future we can grow with each other.

Well, he upsets me while I express my feelings on him. I don’t feel that sad. It is nothing wrong to tell a person that “I love you” even with a bad response. I proud of myself being act like a men rather than I keep it to myself. Who knows if you still have the opportunity to tell the people you love.

I have to admit that I afraid to lose him no matter as a partner or as a friend. I am selfish and I hope he can be mine even though it is just a burble dream. However, I don’t force him as in love is about both instead of single party.

As for now, I don’t feel bad with him at all even we always argue, not even with times of rejections he made.

Only 2 big wishes I have, one is to figure out my interest and what I really like to work as or do in. Work always torturing you mentally. Number two is I hope he could be staying in my life longer, as well as until the end of my life. 

创业

在马来西亚生活其实可以很简单,但其实也很困难。一般上班族的薪水，大概60%都应付了每个月的开支，例如汽车贷款、汽油、家庭、保险、饮食和保健等。这还不包括储蓄、娱乐、日常用品等等等。。。我只能说寒天饮冰水，冷暖自知。

回想以前念书时代的那些零钱和刚出社会的那份薄粮，可以说人无穷无尽的追求“物质”。曾几何时，我也以为自己不会掉进这个漩涡里，直到买了老婆、上了健身房、脸部护理、旅游等，就发现我走上了这条不归路。

虽说走上了这单行道，但我们还是有选择，那就是走到有回转的一天，但只能说这是非常渺茫，除非是看破了红尘那一类。再来就是开辟新的路，彻彻底底去满足自己的欲望和贪婪，去赚更多的钱，塞满自己老是觉得“空”的脑袋。

供不应求是件非常痛苦的事，说的不是买卖，供的是每月薪水；求的是每月消费。书念不多，换一份工作的薪水也不见得好到哪里，在这么个囧境下，唯一能杀出的血路就是 -- 创业！

其实在去年底跳槽的同时，就已经开始了一些生意，数目不算大，都是服务之前的顾客，和朋友之间的介绍，直到现在需求也不算大，也只能当作副业看待。最近的正业是极度空闲，想想每天虚度，倒不如做一些有益的事，于是，便燃烧我想把副业做大，把正业干掉的念头。

现在网络购物平台在我国也算多、稳定、且蓬勃发展中，每次看到一些卖给顾客的物品被无理的调高价格，就会觉得可恶，怎么不是我在卖，当初也应该做这门生意等的遐想。想做还不如真的做，目前开始物色适合的产品和厂家，同时也考量本钱、存货、快递服务、付款户口等流程，丰富我每天在公司的时光。

我对生意一窍不通，但是我相信秉持简单、真诚、快速、服务，就万事Ok啦！

先预祝自己生意兴隆，成功杀出一条血路！

工作里的小花

自己还蛮喜欢摄影的，尤其是周围的人事物，特别是大自然。

由于不信任自己的坚持，和不想自己陷入这漩涡，所以迟迟不敢买太贵的摄影器材。

分享下用电话拍的效果，其实也可以很美。

何为挑剔？

喜欢自己，但却不喜欢对方的，你要吗？
自己喜欢，但却不喜欢自己的，你要吗？
建立在性，多过于建立在情感之上的，你要吗？
对方已经有另一半的，你要吗？
不能给自己承诺，不想为这段感情付出的，你要吗？

少年、年轻、青春对我而言只是代名词，只是这个年头被问及与另一半的事情的人特别多。从家人、同学、朋友等，无不关心我的感情事情。

全部人都认为，以我现在的条件，不可能是单身。说着说着，还真的有深思过这个问题，甚至会认为问题出在自己身上。

最近非常认真在思考单身的问题，甚至为此事反省。一度因为要结束或打破这个单身咒语，而随便找一个人凑着和算。

真的十分迂腐啊！人是不能失去自己的中心点，想着想着，自己除了不主动以外，问题根本就不在我身上。

现在应该做的事情是管理好自己的一切，把爱给家人和朋友，多余的时间可做做手艺、写写文章、或一些能增加素养的活动。

人不管在任何情况，都应该享受当下，与其把垃圾往脑袋仍，不如做一些更有意义的事情吧！

说谎

说谎的下场只有两个，一是承认，并承受一切自己犯下的错误，然而接受外界的批评，日后也许能被嘉许“勇于认错”而给予机会改过自新；二是编制更多的谎言去掩盖，但是天网恢恢疏而不漏，一旦被戳破，会让自己更狼狈、更难堪，更为难自己，即便日子过去，也会被指责其恶性，如此不正当的行为是自己所犯，与人无尤。

谎言不会为自己带来安宁，反而在良心上的责备会更加痛苦。人类不是完美，会有犯错的时候，承认错误没什么大不了，不忠于自己的人更可耻、更可悲。

简单=快乐

旅途中一见倾心的小黄花，生长在甚不起眼的路旁，围绕着是翠绿小草，颜色鲜艳而夺目，被穿透万雾的阳光滋养着，是何其简单又美丽。快乐也是如此，任由你身在何处，心理保持简单、宽容、知足，便是快乐又美丽。

接受它、处理它、放下它

农历新年的其中一天，基于习俗的关系，所以妈妈要帮我去安太岁。忽然间，她非常惊讶地说孩子：“你竟然28岁了，真想不到已经这么老大！”。没错，她用老大形容我这个年龄。

这句话当头棒喝，感慨不是我的年龄，而是我在父母的身边已经这么多年，却一点孝顺的事都没做而感到愧疚。感慨到这个年纪尚未好好谈过一场恋爱，而感到有一些些挫败；感慨还没做过一件自认疯狂的事，而抹杀“年少疯狂”这四个字；感慨事业无成，没房子、没存款、没计划、更何况将来而感到失落。

活了这么多年，此刻才恍然大悟，自己在过去把时间花在太多无谓的事情上；自己的观点是需要更多的历练；自己的脾气是多么需要改进；还有许许多多的空间是那么需要进步。但是，我从没有后悔在过去所做的一切，没有从前就不会造就今天，创造也许有的未来。

在这个农历新年也发生了一些事情，正好能让我重新定义“朋友”两个字，同时也发现人的心境会随着年龄增长而改变。过去，许多看不过眼的事情会挺胸而出，甚至会鄙视坐视不管的人。现在，发现一些事情，其实是无声胜有声，沉默不代表默认，而是另一种修养的表现。

记得老师说过，过去发生所发生的没必要磨灭，因为有了曾经，才会有现在，然后展望未来。

我们必须接受它、处理它、放下它。